Many people use the phrase. ‘Urgh, I’m so depressed’. But are you? Really?
Personally I don’t believe it should be used if you don’t know what it actually feels like to be depressed. Like using it because your hungover from going out the night before and you feel ill.
First of all, I would like to point out- this is what my depression feels like to me. Not everyone feels the same. I know that.
Basically, the smallest and easiest of things feels like a massive chore. I have anxiety too which obviously combined with the depression is a nightmare. I wake up in the morning, and just don’t want to move. I feel like I have a black cloud hanging over my head that I can’t get rid of and it follows me around all day. I find simple tasks like cooking breakfast, quite a big chore as I’m constantly thinking about the mess I will make whilst doing it. Noises and sounds to grate on me and I get really angry inside. Like a fire wanting to explode in my chest, I can’t have the tele on loud and I can’t have lots of different noises going on at the same time. It drives me insane. I have no patience what so ever and I’m often telling Alfie to ‘be quiet’ because whinging just winds me up. I know I sound like a horrible mother, but this is what it’s like for me on a daily basis.
I find getting dressed and going to the shops really hard work. As soon as I decide I am doing something it needs to be done there and then, I can’t wait for people and it drives me up the wall when I’m waiting for others to get ready. I just feel like it needs to be done there and then or not at all. Why do I feel the need to rush around so much?
I’m so self conscious, I think everyone is looking at me like a stupid young girl who has a toddler and can’t handle him with his tantrums. I feel judged by everything I do, when I see my neighbours I’m constantly thinking that they think ‘she probably gets her house paid for’ and ‘probably on benefits’ I can’t look them in the eye.
I have a horrible obsession with smelling, I always think people think I smell of body odour. Which I know is not true- I shower daily, use deodorant and use loads of perfumes. I will go through a 30ml bottle in a week. I just have this proper conciousness about it.
I hate looking at myself in the mirror, I feel ugly and fat. I know that’s something only I can change but how? I have no get up and go about me.
I feel the constant need to impress people, Alfie had designer clothes and i constantly buy him new clothes. So much so, that now I’m in debt because of this. Which also has a massive impact of my anxiousness.
I know I’m so lucky to have a healthy baby boy who I love very much and a nice house but I just constantly feel empty.
I try to smile but underneath it all is the constant worry and fear of everything I do. I always feel uptight and I can never relax. I look at the negative side of everything and can’t see the postitives in anything I do.
I really do need help! 😦