I wasn’t sure weather to write this post or not, I don’t want to be made out to be an attention seeker or fishing for compliments but the truth is, I’m not happy, in myself and how I look. I’ve bottled it up for so long so I feel I need to write it down to express how I feel.
I’ve always lacked confidence, I find it hard to look people in the face as I hate people looking at me and I just try to blend into the crowd.
At school I was bullied, told I had a big nose and that I’m a fat and I’m a ‘snake’ ..I have eczema so my skin was flaky on my face and I had it on my scalp so I was bullied because I had ‘white bits’ in my hair, I often got told I had nits because they thought the eczema was eggs… and they’ve stayed with me ever since. Thinking about it now is breaking my heart, I tried so hard to be like everyone else but everyday something would upset me and that feeling is coming back while writing this.
I’ve always believed I’m overweight and ugly, don’t get me wrong I used to try hard to be slim and look prettier. I used to go to the gym every night, seven days a week and wear make up all day, every day and lots of it! I used to tan and colour my hair regularly. But it didn’t work, I’ve always been ugly and I don’t think anything can change that.
I’ve always had issues with my body, at primary school I was stick thin and you could see my ribs. This was due to the lack of food we had as my mother (who has mental health issues too) feared if she gave us to much we would be sick. And she had a phobia of illness.
When she left us and my dad was now mine and my sisters only parent, he made up for the fact we didn’t eat much and told us to each as much as we wanted. So I did, I took it to extreme and now I’m fat.
Well, some people would call it curvy but I call it fat. I have a wobbly tummy, bingo wings, fat thighs and boobs that get in the way and I hate them.
I’ve tried so hard to become happier in my body and love the skin I’m in but I don’t. I HATE it.
I have eczema and that causes a lot problems for me. I can’t wear make up or my skin just cracks and bleeds. And it hurts. No lotions and potions work anymore as my body is so used to it all, I’ve had eczema for 24 years. I have to live with it and it really does put me down.
I want to get back into going to the gym or doing workout DVDS at home but what’s the point, I’ll always look and feel the same. I will try and fail. That’s just me all over.
I know, I know, that it’s what’s inside that counts but people don’t see inside do they? People take you on face value and I’m afraid I’m really lacking in that department.