.. Ugly

I wasn’t sure weather to write this post or not, I don’t want to be made out to be an attention seeker or fishing for compliments but the truth is, I’m not happy, in myself and how I look. I’ve bottled it up for so long so I feel I need to write it down to express how I feel. 

I’ve always lacked confidence, I find it hard to look people in the face as I hate people looking at me and I just try to blend into the crowd. 

At school I was bullied, told I had a big nose and that I’m a fat and I’m a ‘snake’ ..I have eczema so my skin was flaky on my face and I had it on my scalp so I was bullied because I had ‘white bits’ in my hair, I often got told I had nits because they thought the eczema was eggs… and they’ve stayed with me ever since. Thinking about it now is breaking my heart, I tried so hard to be like everyone else but everyday something would upset me and that feeling is coming back while writing this. 

I’ve always believed I’m overweight and ugly, don’t get me wrong I used to try hard to be slim and look prettier. I used to go to the gym every night, seven days a week and wear make up all day, every day and lots of it! I used to tan and colour my hair regularly. But it didn’t work, I’ve always been ugly and I don’t think anything can change that.

I’ve always had issues with my body, at primary school I was stick thin and you could see my ribs. This was due to the lack of food we had as my mother (who has mental health issues too) feared if she gave us to much we would be sick. And she had a phobia of illness. 

When she left us and my dad was now mine and my sisters only parent, he made up for the fact we didn’t eat much and told us to each as much as we wanted. So I did, I took it to extreme and now I’m fat. 

Well, some people would call it curvy but I call it fat. I have a wobbly tummy, bingo wings, fat thighs and boobs that get in the way and I hate them. 

I’ve tried so hard to become happier in my body and love the skin I’m in but I don’t. I HATE it. 

I have eczema and that causes a lot problems for me. I can’t wear make up or my skin just cracks and bleeds. And it hurts. No lotions and potions work anymore as my body is so used to it all, I’ve had eczema for 24 years. I have to live with it and it really does put me down. 

I want to get back into going to the gym or doing workout DVDS at home but what’s the point, I’ll always look and feel the same. I will try and fail. That’s just me all over. 

I know, I know, that it’s what’s inside that counts but people don’t see inside do they? People take you on face value and I’m afraid I’m really lacking in that department. 

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7 thoughts on “.. Ugly

  1. Get these thoughts out of your head now! Don’t let some spiteful teens dictate the way you live now. I’ve seen some of your photos online and you’re really pretty and I bet you have some lovely qualities as well. Focus on the positive and every time you think something negative get that thought out of your head and instead replace it with something positive about yourself xxx

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  2. Lacking confidence is a terrible thing to live with. I didn’t have much confidence at all when I was a teenager. It holds you back. I started to get more confident towards the end of my 20s. I don’t know what happened exactly, I just got fed up of being that wau – I hadn’t done as well as I could have at school because I panicked in exams, I couldn’t get a job I wanted because I was not good in interviews. Write a list of all the good things in your life and focus on them. Set yourself goals, things you want to achieve, and then try hard to achieve them. Keep a diary of positive thoughts. These things helped me! x #sundaystars

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  3. Thank you for writing such an honest post! I’m sure many people have similar thoughts and you will help a lot. The good news is that you kno where a lot of your thinking has stemmed from so that will help you work through it, perhaps you could see if there’s any counselling services in your area? Have you spoken to your GP. I have to challenge you on people not seeing inside, forgive me for getting a little woo woo but I do think that people that are loving and open and warm, something just glows from them. Before you even speak to them you think there’s something about them. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it 😉

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  4. You’re beautiful Emma! Don’t tell yourself any different! It’s so hard to not think that way though, I’m the same, I don’t think I’ll ever feel comfortable in my own skin. We can try and change our thought about ourselves together 🙂 xxxx

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  5. I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m sure everything you feel now stems from what you went through as a child, I hope you can work through your issues to feel happier about yourself soon, maybe talking it through with someone might help. Thanks for sharing this with #sundaystars xxx

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