The loneliness

I gave up my ‘mummy blogger’ title a month or so ago as I felt I didnt have enough time to put all the work into my blog that would make it amaze balls but I’m here and I’m back.

Im feeling pretty shitty if I’m completely honest, it’s the PND. I’m emotionally and mentally drained. I am sick of the sound of my own voice and I just can’t get into a better place.

When me and alfie moved into our new house (and we’re very lucky to have such a lovely house), I thought I would be over the moon but it’s not quite panned out that way. At first I thought it was all the stress of the moving and the sorting of utilities that was making me run down but I’ve got progressively worse over the last few weeks.

Alfie is at the terrible two stage and I do find him quite hard work to entertain and keep happy most days. He kicks off at bedtime, and won’t sleep and wakes in the night numerous times. We had a public meltdown in town today and I was so embarrassed, stressed and anxious that I headed straight back to the car carrying alfie and juggling the shopping bags.

I feel so alone and I just don’t know weather I’m coming or going. I will be ok, I  always am but a little part of me inside has died. The hope of a better and happy life seems to be moving further away from my grasp and I just don’t know how long I can keep running after it for.

I need to start doing things for me, I think that will make a massive difference to my mental health but it’s finding the time to do so. I’m finding everyday tasks like doing my hair, brushing my teeth and going out more of a struggle. I force myself to do these things but it’s such a task when they shouldn’t be. My blog has  always been my release since I was diagnosed with depression a year ago, I’ve never been this low and I think I’ve been hiding my feelings from the world where as usually Im straight on my WordPress app and writing my feelings down. I guess it must be my coping mechanism, so I will be back blogging again. Not everyday like before but as and when I feel I have something to share with you all.

Thank you for all your support and lovely words. They really do mean the world.

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3 thoughts on “The loneliness

  1. Aaah bless you lovely — this post has made me feel a little bit sad. I’m so sorry you’re having a tough time. I think you’re right to continue with your blog. Face those feelings head on and write down everything you feel. Don’t think that depression will have you in it’s grip forever — you WILL have the happy life you dream of — just keep working towards it xx #WellbeingWednesday

    Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I second that! Sometimes blogging can be yourself talking to yourself and that’s what I had done not so long ago. I blog for me and my mental health. Being a stay at home dad I live in my head a lot and it’s not necessarily a good thing. Just keep moving forward, small step by small step and before you know it you have walked a mile, then two, then three.

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  3. Ah Emma, I am sorry to hear this gorgeous. I can relate, the girls are full of energy and are exhausting at the best of times. Meltdowns have been happening loads but I guess they are just sensing stuff less them. Not that it makes it easier on you. It can be super lonely at times I know and you have a great outlook in wanting to do more for you. Don’t pressurise yourself, just do it at a pace that suits you. All will come right in time. Sometimes we have to be on the edge of giving up hope to realise we need as much hope as possible to keep going. You are such a gorgeous lady and I am here for you. Thank you for linking up, I was so pleased to see your blog linked #WellbeingWednesday xxx

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